Just watched Madame Ro's 2nd instalment of her "Talk to Me" series she's got going on.
Did she ever tug at so many of my heart strings in this video.
The whole natural hair journey things affected me.
The being different in [high] school thing affected me.
The big forehead thing affected me.
To short answer the questions in the video, here you go:
1. Do you know the AUTHENTIC YOU?
Thank God I do. Otherwise I would have gone through some serious identity crisis situations growing up.
2. What is the ONE thing you always wanted to do but didn't do?
In all honesty, this is something I don't really know... I've done everything I've wanted to do provided I had funds for it. I didn't win the lottery every time I've played, and I'm sure if I won, this list would be different since I would be thinking of things that would be within my means at that time. LOL
3. What is stopping you from doing it?
What's stopping me from winning the lottery?? I'll have to contact the Ontario lottery and gaming association in order to get back to you on that.
4. Will you do it sometime this year?
If I keep playing the lottery, I can only wish I'll win it sometime this year. Ha!
Back to the parts of the video that really affected me... :D
WARNING: This is a lengthy blog post with some explicit language... You will peer deep into many of my past insecurities related to the video that was posted. :)
I'm trying to post about things in the order that they were mentioned in Madame Ro's video so that way I'm limited and this blog post doesn't go on forever AND so that I can keep my thoughts on track because otherwise they would really go all over the place.
First thing's first (Chronologically speaking)...
HIGH SCHOOL, and how much of a bitch it was for me to complete. I did not fit in. At all.
So, in junior high and even elementary school, you're told about how awesome high school will be by all the adults... It's like as if they're preparing you to make sure you have a positive outlook on the whole HS thing so that way when you get there, you just keep plowing through and focusing on the awesome stuff that happens.
HS was NOT awesome for me at all. before I went to HS, as a child, I attended French public schools. Both my elementary and junior high schools were very multi-ethnic and I had no problems feeling like I belonged...
THEN I went to high school, and then all of a sudden, everything was different... I still went to a French school, however I was now in a Catholic school. The area wherein the Catholic school was located was VERY Euro-centric; There were approximately 800 students in the school, out of which there were approximately 30 black students... We were the genuine minority.
For me, this wasn't an issue at all when I first started going to the school - Until I found out that the school was so very self-segregated by the student body, that even different flavours of Europeans wouldn't hang out together... That's not to say EVERY European was like, but the general vibe I received was that you were to hang out with your own (i.e. for me, my own was the other handful of black kids at the school). I wasn't aware of this vibe at the time I got there, so I was trying to hang out with everybody. It didn't go over so well...
By my last year in high school, my closest friends were the other misfits who didn't "fit" with the implicit vibe that was felt by many people I spoke with in my years at the school.
But that wasn't before I had my heart broken by two European guys I attempted to date; Which in all honesty, the reason they broke my heart, was because they felt the right thing to do was what their parents' told them to do, and at the time, their parents were telling them dating a black person was unacceptable.
It wasn't before I was accused by others outside of the small black community for sleeping with every male within the black community. This went on for the whole time I was on the track & field team, and didn't really get any better afterwards.
It wasn't before I was accused of trying to be "white" because I liked different music and clothing styles than my fellow black peers.
By the time my second European boyfriend had dumped me, my mom warned me that the kids in that school have very closed-minded thoughts and that I would not be able to date a fellow European peer without future heart breaks. I told her I'd deal with when I deal with it... I ended up having to deal with it another two times, once in high school and once after high school. Oh yea, and let's not forget that by dating Europeans, I was being talked about poorly behind my back by my fellow black peers, for not dating within the black community, because, you know, out of the 12 or so male black men, I had TONS of options, right? /sigh
ANYWAY, to sum this part up, I was not included by the majority of European students in my school, nor was I included by the majority of the black students in my school, and as such, I found myself hanging out with students of OTHER minority cultures such as Asians, Hispanics and Indians a lot of the time.
Looking back, I wish I could pinpoint exactly what part of me they didn't like and for what reasons, however I know I was always true to myself, since that is how I was raised. I never faltered in that regard, and I'm thrilled to have made it this far and not give one rat's ass about what people think about me. LOL
Second thing up now...
HAIR AU-NATUREL, And how much I love my chemically straightened relaxed hair!
Ha! Bet you thought I was going to talk about my natural hair journey or something right? Nope! Not me! Not now, and in all honesty, likely not ever. :P
I grow out my roots for months at a time because I love my kinky roots! They add volume to my otherwise limp, boring and very manageable hair. ;) I actually only relax my hair at MOST once a season (if you count all 4 seasons), and at least twice a year (typically right before summer and right before the holiday season.
I'm SO happy, I never considered natural hair a bad thing. My mom has always been open minded and has always told me to be happy with who I am and not to let anyone change me. My hair has been relaxed since I was a toddler, and in all honesty, I'm happy my mom got that started for me. I don't have a lifestyle that permits day long "wash days" and time for extensive maintenance to my hair, and I have contemplated even cutting it off even though it's a ton more manageable relaxed, BUT then I think about how much I love playing with and manipulating my hair to look the way I want it to look. And how much I would miss it if it were gone. :( And then I reconsider that decision after pulling off some super cute hairstyle that I wouldn't be able to accomplish otherwise.
I still wear weave, I still wear wigs, I still wear braids, and I'm currently wearing my first set of self-installed yarn braided cornrows! Whyyyy??? Because I can, and that's how I feel most able-bodied. I was asked by my bf why I chose cornrows and I told him simply that I don't feel like doing stuff to my hair everyday this week since I have a lot going on and I don't want to have to "Do" my hair.
I embrace my nappy roots, and I show them off as they grow out and I love the texture as it grows, but I simply choose to not let it grow out completely.because I like my hair as it is. :) In fact, I love it as it is. I love that with a simple flick of a brush , I can get a bunch of hair in my face and have my bangs.
Most of my favourite hairstyles require some form of straightened hair, and with my small face and small frame, the big hair look is not something I enjoy on myself. I also love my hair swishing by my ears when it's straight. Due to the type of hair I have naturally, many of the things I enjoy about my relaxed hair are not things I can enjoy when my hair is natural.
I love it when people preach about being natural because it's who you are, but I ALSO love it when people preach about doing what you enjoy. And if I am already aware about my not so huge enjoyment about my natural hair that I prefer not to have to frequently maintain, then I feel like I can keep my hair relaxed while knowing that my natural hair will always be there when I find I have more time for it. :)
What I have an issue with is when relaxed ladies have issues with their natural hair because of other people's perception of black hair. Well, shit, think about that for a second... Many people perceive tattoos as a negative thing, but that shouldn't stop someone from altering their body (mostly) permanently by getting them. Many people perceive women to be a subset of society (after the men), but that shouldn't stop a man who feels wrong as a man from permanently modifying his body to be associated with what some people deem a lower class in society. Come on, if you can embrace your person for who you are, then it shouldn't matter what you do to yourself as long as you do it for you. Of course this matter can be taken a bit deeper, but I'm keeping things relatively light for the sake of this blog post.
Last but not least, I got the BIG FOREHEAD gene!...
And BOY, was I ashamed of it growing up. So ashamed of it in fact, that I grew up not wanting to leave the house without wearing bangs in my hair since you know, that covers the forehead real good!
It got to the point that my mom would ask me what's wrong with my forehead and I'd tell her that I hated it. LOL
My forehead in actuality is not REALLY big. It's just a bit higher than normal... But in those awful school photos, when you see yourself and see everyone else and notice that your forehead gleams (really due to perspiration more than anything else) then you start to feel self conscious about how others see you as well.
I think I started feeling good about it in college when the hair bump started becoming popular again... I started noticing some ladies with some massive ass foreheads. I mean foreheads for days. And then I started seeing that my forehead really is nothing in comparison to theirs and they're able to wear their hair up and proud, so why can't I? This only expanded the number of hairstyles I started to wear that I was too afraid to wear before because of my not so huge in actuality forehead!
It's unfortunate that it sometimes takes us seeing other people's "flaws" to realize we don't have "flaws" of our own, HOWEVER seeing how others deal with their "flaws" can make the difference between how awesome you think you are and how awesome you think you're not.
I'm pretty f-in' awesome!
Krafty Kerry signing off!